How to Handle Tantrums Using Evidence-Based Strategies

Bahij Khouzami

BCBA · Board Certified Behavior Analyst

Tantrums Are Not a Parenting Failure

Almost every child between the ages of 1 and 4 has tantrums. They are developmentally expected and, in many ways, healthy — they reflect a child who has desires but not yet the skills to communicate or cope with frustration.

The problem isn't that tantrums happen. The problem is when they escalate, intensify, or persist beyond what's typical. That's when a behavioral approach becomes essential.

What Is a Tantrum, Behaviorally Speaking?

A tantrum is a behavior cluster — often including crying, screaming, falling to the floor, throwing objects, or physical aggression — that typically functions to get something (access) or avoid something (escape).

This distinction matters enormously for how you respond.

The Most Common Mistake

The most common mistake parents make is accidentally reinforcing tantrums by giving in to them.

When a child screams until they get the toy they want, the screaming worked. The child learned: if I escalate, I get what I want. The next tantrum will likely be longer and louder.

This isn't a character flaw — it's learning. And it means the solution is in changing what happens after the tantrum, not in willpower or discipline.

Evidence-Based Strategies

1. Identify the Function First

Is the tantrum about getting something, or avoiding something? Your response should differ:

• Access tantrum: Don't provide the item during or immediately after the tantrum. Wait for calm, then offer alternatives.
• Escape tantrum: Don't remove the demand entirely. Provide a brief, manageable break, then return to the task.

2. Prevent When Possible

Tantrums are easier to prevent than to manage mid-meltdown. Consider:

• Offering choices to give the child a sense of control
• Using transition warnings ("In 5 minutes, we're leaving the park")
• Ensuring basic needs are met — hunger and fatigue are major triggers
• Using visual schedules so the child knows what's coming

3. Stay Calm and Neutral

Your emotional response matters. Heightened reactions — raised voices, visible frustration — can escalate tantrums maintained by attention. Aim for a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

4. Teach a Replacement Behavior

The long-term goal is to help your child learn a better way to communicate their needs. This might mean teaching them to:

• Use words ("I want a break")
• Use a visual cue card
• Use sign language or a communication device

5. Reinforce the Calm

When your child communicates appropriately or tolerates frustration well, make a big deal of it. The goal is to make the replacement behavior "work" better than the tantrum ever did.

When to Seek Help

Seek professional support if tantrums:

• Are increasing in frequency, intensity, or duration
• Include self-injury (head-banging, biting self)
• Occur regularly after age 5
• Are significantly impacting daily family life

A behavior analyst can conduct a functional assessment and design an individualized plan. You don't have to figure this out alone.